Addie

The blink of an eye.  I know it’s cliché and I know it’s probably overused, but I have no better way to describe it.  Don’t get me wrong – I’ve noticed the inevitable speeding up of time my whole life.  For almost 40 years, the patterns of existence seem to increase in velocity on an exponential basis. 

Every Fall I look forward to the fresh Colorado air, the leaves transforming into something Rockwellian, and the ability to play outside all day but still want hot soup for dinner.  Of course, Fall also represents the nearness of Thanksgiving and Christmas – my two favorite holidays.  And that pattern has existed for me since I was about 8 years old.  But each year, Christmas gets here faster.  Thanksgiving is gone seemingly before it began.  Then we’re into the dead of winter – those few months in January and February where it’s dark, cold, and the days are long.  Those months don’t seem to fly by quite as quickly, but they too are accelerating.

That brings me to today.  The day after something consequential…something monumental in my life and the life of my family.  It brings me to the day after my daughter turned two…

My little girl, who needed Keena and I to fulfill her every need just months ago is no longer a baby – she’s now a kid.  In the last 24 months, she’s been summoned and referred to by many names: Peanut, Sugar Plum Fairy, Monkey, Addie Girl, Ads, Addie Borden, Munchkin, Lovely, and Cutie – I’m sure there were more, but my memory is already fading (sigh).

I’m having a hard time remembering where these last two years have actually gone.  While I remember being in the hospital, having the doctor hand my daughter to me immediately after being born, and staying with her from that moment until two days later when I finally ventured out of the hospital for some much needed Qdoba for Kee and I, I can’t remember all of the little stuff that I want to.  

Addie walked super early – she was walking at 9 months – and she walked pretty well right from the start.  Luckily we got that on video!  But until I looked back at some of those video moments, I forgot how she liked to run back and forth between Keena and I, giggling the whole time.  This little girl who screamed her guts out at her first bath went on to meet milestone after milestone early and I want to remember them all.  But like a frosty window pane, I can focus on specific memories while others are just out of reach, lingering in my subconscious.  

Our SPF (Sugar Plum Fairy) started to use sign language early too.  She knew more and milk and water before we did.  And what was her first word?  Was it “Daddy” or “Mommy” or “kiss” like some kids?  Nope.  She said the word that fascinated her and captured her little attention right from the start.  “Jackson” – our Lab / Greyhound was what came out first.  Well…more like “Jacks” but we all knew what it meant.  That was over a year ago.  Now, it’s on to, “M&M Cake” (what she busted out that she wanted for her birthday party…).  Now she says things like, “Oh No Momma!” when there is a ladybug on the window.  Or one of my favorites – she’ll say, “Down Dad.”  This means she wants to go downstairs.  I’ll reply, “You want to go downstairs Addie?”  To which she’ll come back with, “Okay!” – as if to say, “What a grand idea!  I wish I’d thought of that!”

I want to remember the compliments.  I can’t describe how often complete strangers stop my wife and I to tell us how beautiful our little girl is.  Our kid photographers want to give us extra pictures and send her images in for product placements.  I mean, my little girl is over the top pretty.  (Don’t think I don’t know what that’s going to mean for my future…)

I pray I’ll never forget that tiny body running to me when she hasn’t seen me for 8 hours.  She puts that little head down and just starts trucking my way, putting her hands up about 5 feet away.  Then, it’s into my arms and she lays her head down on my shoulder, patting my back.  (I wish those moments could last for hours…)

And unless we capture it on film, audio clips, photos, or in journals – it just fades away.  Every day brings something new as we lose what was new yesterday.  Excitement for any ceiling fan was replaced by a love of airplanes and hec-ocs (helicopters).  Of course, hec-ocs was then replaced by the thrill of, “poo poo!”  Everywhere we go – “Dad!  Bird poo poo!” or “Oh No Daddy!  Jacks poo poo!”  And so on…

But through all of the memories, with all of the fascination and wonder, along side it all, the memory that actually improves is love.  I have no idea how it’s possible to love a being so much more today than yesterday, but it’s as if the memory just builds on itself – exponentially.  I want to protect her, help her, give her everything – I just want her to know that love that I can’t really express.  

There are a few songs out there from parents to kids.  They totally have new meaning for me now.  My wife and I particularly love, “Fix You” by Coldplay…ok, like doesn’t cut it for a song that makes me cry every time I hear it.  (Damn you Coldplay!)  But it’s not the song as much as the feelings I associate from that song with my little Addison.  I want her to always know that those lights will guide her home.  I yearn for her to have a home where she is safe forever – a home where she can go to ignite her bones.  

Even after 20, 30, or 50 years…after my eye has blinked just a few more times – I want my Addie girl to always know how much we love her.  Happy Birthday Addie Cakes. 

-Dad-