Political Correctness

Q-  How was the training you did in Hawaii Jeff?  A – It was like every other training I’ve ever done…about 72 degrees under florescent lighting…

Wow, is that unfunny.  Ok, it’s mildly amusing.  But, it’s also the craziest joke I get to tell on any kind of regular basis.  Why?  Because I work in an office for a multi-billion dollar conglomerate.  You see, funny to me isn’t funny to my employer – one of the 100 most ethical companies in the world.  Actually, what’s funny to most of my colleagues is a violation of dozens of HR rules, codes of conduct, and probably Miss Manners as well.

Many of you know that I perform stand-up comedy.  I don’t do it as often as I used to, but I got the chance to perform a few weeks ago at an open mic night and I killed!  Why?  Because I wasn’t anywhere near my office and I was 99% sure nobody from my office would hear me.  I got to tell jokes about all kinds of HR violations and the place erupted.  I believe as a people we need that outlet.  We need to laugh at sex, communication, bodies, race, stereotypes, stupidity, bosses, gender, drugs, and hundreds of other non-political correct things.  Yes – I truly believe this is a need people have…

So, I’m a man without a country; a comic without a mic; an employee with a self-imposed gag order.  And it’s tough – believe me!  I see ridiculously funny things every day.  The reason The Office is so funny is because we all know people like that.  Well guess what?  My office has characters even funnier than the tv show!  We have it all – sluts, know-it-alls, dufi (plural of dufus?), hard workers, non workers, bad parents, gas passers, and about 250 more!  And who can I tell these crazy stories too?  My wife.

My wife thinks I’m funny…at least to a degree.  But the humor is sometimes lost on her as my punchline has to wait for my daughter to finish screaming, “OLIVES” seventeen times from her high chair.  The big delivery just isn’t as funny with a fidgeting baby in your hands who is trying to smear you with minestrone.  

True, there are the few – the pantheon – who are willing to snicker quietly as you express your deepest, inner-most thoughts.  They may even see your tit for their own tat.  But there’s always that fear that they’ll rat you out.  Or, the notion that someone will still hear you through the same paper-thin walls that have allowed me to hear marital infidelity, spousal arguments, and 1 nervous breakdown.

It’s not like my speaking allows me to vent – I have no catharsis when I present for education groups.  I have to tell you – that is one of the toughest crowds in the world!  I’ve spoken with some other amazing comics and they agree – teachers are hard to make laugh.  Besides, most educators don’t hire me to be funny – they want to be inspired, motivated, and forced to gain perspective.  That’s cool – I can do that too.  But I sure do miss going on a rant about how ridiculous it is when people “Reply All” in an email just to say, “Thanks!”  I wish I could break out my, “Stuck in a women’s bathroom” routine for people.  I would love it if I could talk about how ludicrous it is to say there are no stupid questions without making the audience uncomfortable…(Professor, I just saw the price of the book.  Will I need to actually buy that this term?  -  Professor, I’m going on vacation next week to hike with my buddies in Alaska.  Am I going to miss anything?  COME ON!  That’s comedy gold!)

But that is not the world I live in.  I can’t bring up the fact that our spam filter doesn’t prevent all of the enlargement emails from coming my way.  Nor can I tell anyone that most of them are from my wife…OUCH!  I can’t afford the uncomfortable silence when I share my favorite student quote:  “I like many other men, like to surf the net and watch sports.  I’m looking forward to this class…”  (See why we need to teach proper use of commas?)  I can’t pass along seriously bizarre YouTube videos like these:

–

– What the…?  How can these not make you laugh at the sheer absurdity?

So I will continue on suffering in silence.  I will watch humorous situation after goof-ball premise surround me and not say a word.  But the day I quit…watch out.  I might get escorted from the building but I’ll be laughing all the way…

Need to hire a funny guy?  Looking for an entertainer with humor AND substance?  Contact Jeff at jborden@jeffpresents.com for more info!

Work-Life Balance

Before starting and while I know it sounds like a broken record, let me say thanks again for all the emails and support with Keena.  She came home yesterday and is doing pretty well considering… She’s got a lot of pain, but thanks to some nice meds, she’s not feeling everything she should.  She’s happy as anything to be at home finally and is looking forward to getting better day after day after day for the rest of her life! 

While Keena is recouping nicely, I’m tired as I’ve ever been.  Between Keena, Addie, running errands, cooking, cleaning, getting up with whichever is having the current problem, I’m just beat.  I took “vacation” for this time…but to call this a vacation would be like calling Long John Silvers a gourmet seafood restaurant.  This does, however lead me to my blog this week.

Work / Life balance has been talked about for decades.  The first time I really remember thinking about it was after reading Jack Welch’s book.  The former GE CEO makes the point that this is a manager’s toughest trial throughout the year.  People more and more are being selfish with their time, not wanting to spend any extra time at work if at all possible.  Interestingly, he also mentions that managers and executives who want to do anything with their careers need to be exactly the opposite.  They need to take work home every night to get a jump on the next day, the next week, the next project, the next…whatever.

I can say as a manager, I realize this is very true.  About 75% of my employees are overly eager to head home, leave early, and never worry about a thing over the weekends.  (And you should see the empty spaces in front of my desk around the holidays…I’ve got most of my team saving up their two weeks for Christmas time leaving few or nobody to handle issues and work that comes up!)

At the same time, I work my tail off for eCollege.  I’m putting in 50-70 hours a week PLUS my doctoral work PLUS my adjunct teaching load.  My days are spent at work until 5pm when I rush home to get some quality time with Addie & Keena before my little girl goes to bed at 7:30.  Then, it’s on to my computer to teach classes and write mostly meaningless papers for my doctoral program (I’ll do a blog about academic hazing later).  Finally, I check my work email one more time only to find fifty to one hundred new emails to get through before bed.  (I get about 600 emails per day.)  Work / Life balance?  What balance?

As much as I love technology, I do have to admit that it’s created the ability to work from home WAY too easy.  Madeleine Bunting in her book, “Willing Slaves – How the Overwork Culture is Ruling our Lives”,  says that from 1977 to 1997 Americans working full time have increased their average working hours from 43.6 hours to 47.1 hours each week. (Not including time required to travel to and from work).

I believe this.  Although I didn’t always.  When I was a college professor, I really didn’t have to worry much about work / life balance.  I realize people don’t like to talk about it, but college professors have it pretty easy when it comes to time.  I had worked my way into a coordinator position, so I could choose from a MWF or TTH schedule.  I could choose late afternoons or early mornings to suit my tastes.  Sure, I had some advising and some office hours, but if I wanted to, I didn’t have to be on campus but 20 hours any given week.  Sure, I graded papers at home, but when all was said and done, I can say that my balance of work and life was just golden!

Of course, my bank account showed this as well.  And there is the rub, right?  I’m making 3 times as much now as I did then, plus bonuses (that don’t exist in a college system) and with every promotion / raise, comes the expectation of more time and responsibility taken away from home.  Ugh.  (Try this work – life balance calculator!)

Yes, I know the studies that show how employees who actually take time off are more productive.  I know that companies who help employees manage their personal lives effectively are consistently rated in the top 100 companies for both satisfaction AND productivity.  But I also know that 99% of Presidents and CEOs don’t buy any of it.  The majority of HR studies that show the effectiveness of working less never even make it to their desks.  After all, these executives are Type A personalities who don’t need extra motivation to work 60 hours a week…why should anyone else?  (Hopefully this sarcasm translated…)

So, here I am – left with some major decisions in my life.  Do I work like a dog now and reap the benefits later with a solid retirement and nice home and the ability to do nice things for my family.  Or, do I go back to teaching, spend a lot more quality time with my family now, but not really have the ability to provide like I want to?  I have to say, I used to be the guy who did the latter and it came back to bite me several times.  When Keena first got sick, we didn’t really have any “extra” to work with.  I didn’t make enough to really go on nice vacations or buy special things for anyone just because.  The purchase of a car was a major life consideration and I could never really afford what I wanted, having to settle for what I could afford.  That’s not how we live now…

Please hear me!  I have talked this over with Keena several times.  We both have goals for our family and we both understand (most of the time) the sacrifices it takes now.  I realize there are plenty of husbands out there who work their tails off including as much travel as possible so they don’t have to be near their families.  I have worked with a few in my time.  But I’m not that guy – I actually like my wife and enjoy my daughter.  I’m the ultimate family man who happens to be lucky enough and (hopefully) good enough at what I do that my services are in demand but unfortunate enough that it means working like I do. 

So, until an agent or publisher actually takes a chance and reads my novel (which should easily become a screenplay…come on – it’s silly to get the same form letters back saying you’re not currently accepting new authors!), I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing.  I do enjoy it and it suits me.  And as long as people keep telling me that I’m good at it, there’s no other reason to quit!  Maybe technology will begin to actually help us NOT work so much!  Now there’s the web 2.0 site that I want to be a part of!

Are you a publisher looking for the next best seller?  Are you an agent needing to find the next Lee Child, Stephen Hunter, or Greg Iles?  You HAVE to contact Jeff Borden and ask to read the first 3 chapters of Judge & Jury!  Remember, Jeff gives seminars on effective storytelling…Check out this query:

Judge & Jury :  When a vigilante violently takes the law into his own hands, Detective Paden Campbell is tasked with his capture.  But as the citizens of Denver, Colorado start to embrace and replicate the practices of the “Judge and Jury” killer, Paden is forced to come to terms with his own sense of justice.  In a race against time, Detective Campbell must stop the killer before the city tears itself apart.