Political Correctness

Q-  How was the training you did in Hawaii Jeff?  A – It was like every other training I’ve ever done…about 72 degrees under florescent lighting…

Wow, is that unfunny.  Ok, it’s mildly amusing.  But, it’s also the craziest joke I get to tell on any kind of regular basis.  Why?  Because I work in an office for a multi-billion dollar conglomerate.  You see, funny to me isn’t funny to my employer – one of the 100 most ethical companies in the world.  Actually, what’s funny to most of my colleagues is a violation of dozens of HR rules, codes of conduct, and probably Miss Manners as well.

Many of you know that I perform stand-up comedy.  I don’t do it as often as I used to, but I got the chance to perform a few weeks ago at an open mic night and I killed!  Why?  Because I wasn’t anywhere near my office and I was 99% sure nobody from my office would hear me.  I got to tell jokes about all kinds of HR violations and the place erupted.  I believe as a people we need that outlet.  We need to laugh at sex, communication, bodies, race, stereotypes, stupidity, bosses, gender, drugs, and hundreds of other non-political correct things.  Yes – I truly believe this is a need people have…

So, I’m a man without a country; a comic without a mic; an employee with a self-imposed gag order.  And it’s tough – believe me!  I see ridiculously funny things every day.  The reason The Office is so funny is because we all know people like that.  Well guess what?  My office has characters even funnier than the tv show!  We have it all – sluts, know-it-alls, dufi (plural of dufus?), hard workers, non workers, bad parents, gas passers, and about 250 more!  And who can I tell these crazy stories too?  My wife.

My wife thinks I’m funny…at least to a degree.  But the humor is sometimes lost on her as my punchline has to wait for my daughter to finish screaming, “OLIVES” seventeen times from her high chair.  The big delivery just isn’t as funny with a fidgeting baby in your hands who is trying to smear you with minestrone.  

True, there are the few – the pantheon – who are willing to snicker quietly as you express your deepest, inner-most thoughts.  They may even see your tit for their own tat.  But there’s always that fear that they’ll rat you out.  Or, the notion that someone will still hear you through the same paper-thin walls that have allowed me to hear marital infidelity, spousal arguments, and 1 nervous breakdown.

It’s not like my speaking allows me to vent – I have no catharsis when I present for education groups.  I have to tell you – that is one of the toughest crowds in the world!  I’ve spoken with some other amazing comics and they agree – teachers are hard to make laugh.  Besides, most educators don’t hire me to be funny – they want to be inspired, motivated, and forced to gain perspective.  That’s cool – I can do that too.  But I sure do miss going on a rant about how ridiculous it is when people “Reply All” in an email just to say, “Thanks!”  I wish I could break out my, “Stuck in a women’s bathroom” routine for people.  I would love it if I could talk about how ludicrous it is to say there are no stupid questions without making the audience uncomfortable…(Professor, I just saw the price of the book.  Will I need to actually buy that this term?  -  Professor, I’m going on vacation next week to hike with my buddies in Alaska.  Am I going to miss anything?  COME ON!  That’s comedy gold!)

But that is not the world I live in.  I can’t bring up the fact that our spam filter doesn’t prevent all of the enlargement emails from coming my way.  Nor can I tell anyone that most of them are from my wife…OUCH!  I can’t afford the uncomfortable silence when I share my favorite student quote:  “I like many other men, like to surf the net and watch sports.  I’m looking forward to this class…”  (See why we need to teach proper use of commas?)  I can’t pass along seriously bizarre YouTube videos like these: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnOyMSEWNTs – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7b5CKSqlz60&feature=related – What the…?  How can these not make you laugh at the sheer absurdity?

So I will continue on suffering in silence.  I will watch humorous situation after goof-ball premise surround me and not say a word.  But the day I quit…watch out.  I might get escorted from the building but I’ll be laughing all the way…

Need to hire a funny guy?  Looking for an entertainer with humor AND substance?  Contact Jeff at jborden@jeffpresents.com for more info!

Stupid Questions

It’s getting to be that time of year…classes are starting.  I have 60 speech comm students trying to figure out what kind of teacher I am, how they can try to get out of doing speeches, and how the heck you do public speaking online.  But, it also means I get some great questions to answer.  I know you’re not supposed to say that questions are stupid.  It’s a very “non-PC” thing for a teacher to say.  And I’ve heard the old phrase, “The only bad question is the unasked question.”  But I’m going to go out on a limb here and tell you, unequivocally, there are stupid questions. 

Come on, you’ve heard them!  How about the guy in front of you at KFC saying, “Hmmm…what am I going to order?”  I know!  I know!  CHICKEN!  How about the sports reporter asking Evil Kneivel what was going through his mind when he realized he wouldn’t make the canyon jump?  “I was thinking about puppies…”  Have you ever had a cop pull you over and ask, “Would you like to step out of the car?”  HECK NO!  I’m just fine right here!

And I’m not just talking about my favorite teacher questions – the ones that you can’t believe a student would actually speak out loud.  Like this:

• “Do I need to buy the book for this class?”
• “I’m going to be gone the first week of class.  Will I miss anything?”

Ah, oldies but goodies!  But when you infuse technology into the mix, things get even stranger.  You’ve heard some of the old standards for tech questions, right? 

• “I don’t have a cup small enough for this portable cup holder in my computer.  Where do I get one?”  (Yes, this is regarding the CD tray)
• “My computer says to press any key…where is the any key?”

So, let’s put the two together and see what we get.  I’m about to share two ACTUAL questions from students.  I’m NOT making these up.  This is just to illustrate how far we’ve come.  Check these out:

• “I won’t have a computer for three more weeks, how can I be successful in your online class until then?”
•  ”I can’t look at a computer monitor for more than 5 minutes without having a seizure, as my online teacher, what do you recommend?”

COME ON!  Really?  What advisor suggested either of these students should take an online class?  And better yet, where did we miss the boat in terms of teaching them some critical thinking skills? 

As funny as the questions are, they are a bit sad too.  But I can’t focus on that…I’d go crazy.  So, to all the teachers out there who get questions like these day in and day out, I salute you.  So remember, when you’re in the midst of telling your students about the eclipse tonight and a student asks if it will be a solar eclipse…just grin.  It will all work out in the end…right?  They can’t be your student forever…

Looking for a humorist to talk with your group?  Want to hear a cacaphone of “stupid questions” as they relate to education, communication, or just society in general?  Contact jborden@jeffpresents.com right now!

Humor

1/28/08 (As originally presented at http://jeffpresents.com)
Playing on the iPod Bose Docking stereo right now:	Jeff’s plane reading these days:	Jeff’s website of the week:
These Are The Days - Van Morrison(http://www.vanmorrison.co.uk)–  Everybody knows Moondance and Domino.  But my favorite album is “Avalon Sunset” – The lyrics seem to point at finding something that has been searched for over many years.  But the music is rich and gorgeous.  Awesome music for sitting by a fire and holding your baby girl close until she falls asleep.	Killing Floor – Lee Child(http://www.leechild.com)   –  Ok, so I’m not reading this right this instant.  I’m reading “The Hard Way” – but I wanted to make sure you started at the beginning of this amazing series.  Jack Reacher is a hero’s hero who any guy would want to emulate.  More importantly to me – if I get a shot at publishing my novel, I hope to show the world that I can write as fast paced, edge of your seat, clever as Lee Child…	http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qqE_WmagjY  –  I hope this site stays active for a while.  YouTube videos have a shelf-life that’s pretty short!  But this Carol Burnette Show classic is one of the funniest moments on all of tv.  Tim Conway begins riffing to the point that Burnette can’t even look up for fear of showing her laughter.  By the time he knocks them out with the personal sound effect, only Vicki Lawrence can combat the humor actually making Dick Van Dyke fall on the floor.  It’s worth 5 minutes to watch comedic gold!
Humor:  I’m a pk (preacher’s kid).  So, I find tremendous humor in the inappropriate.  I always have.  From whispering “urine” to my sister as we filled out a Mad-Libs in the back of the car (I used it as a verb no less…), to splitting my sides when my best friend caught his arm on fire trying to help me burn ants.   But inappropriate or not, I have always liked funny. I think I get my love of humor from my folks.  I can remember them sitting around with their friends doing nothing but laughing.  Tears would roll down their cheeks and at times people would fall on the floor.  It was amazing.  I still remember a night in high school when a tremendous burst of wailing / laughing roared up from the basement.  I flew downstairs to see that my father had fallen off the couch and was rolling around on the ground crying and laughing at the same time - he had just seen Clark W Griswold place his dead Aunt Edna on the roof of the Family Truckster station wagon and head towards California.  (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085995/) So, what’s funny?  Students always ask me how I got into stand-up comedy.  Where I got material.  Did people laugh?  My mom loves introducing me at parties by telling people that I was a comic.  She then tells me to, “Say something funny…”  (I usually say something about Michael Jackson who is a punch line in and of himself.) But I hear from people more often than not that they aren’t funny.  “You should meet my uncle…now HE’S funny…” they suggest.  But I think more people are funny than know it.  There are LOTS of kinds of funny.  Sure, there are Steve Martins (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cY8Mik06kvE), Brian Regans (http://www.brianregan.com/experience-av.html), and other comedians out there.  Plenty of them!  But there are lots of creative, humorous, funny people all around us.  Don’t believe me?  Let’s see if I can make you a believer: 1. I got an email from my friend a few days ago.  He told me he was in Houston, TX last week on business. As he was driving he saw a billboard that said, “CALL 1-800-777-7777 for immediate help from Jesus” – He couldn’t resist.  So, at his next gas fill up, he called the number.  A man answered and simply said, “Where are you?”  My buddy told him.  5 minutes later a Hispanic man pulled up with a tow-truck…now that’s funny. 2. My grandmother was tickled with a bumper sticker that said, “Honk if you love Jesus.”  My grandfather didn’t know she put it on the car and everytime someone honked, he flipped them off.  Funny. 3. I have at least 1 student every term that explains they will miss a week of class and ask, “Will I miss anything important?”  NO!  We’re going to sit around trying to ascertain the proper way to tickle an armpit!  Annoying, but funny. 4. My 6 month old daughter has a new favorite game.  If you laugh at something she does, she’ll repeat it twenty or thirty times as long as you keep laughing!  That’s FUNNY! 5. Maybe you’re a word-smythe.  Surely you’ve heard Carlin’s “Baseball and Football” routine?!  (http://www.baseball-almanac.com/humor7.shtml) 6. Like music to tickle your funny bone?  Bare Naked Ladies “If I Had a Million Dollars” is amusing.  Adam Sandler’s “Hanukkah Song” is now a holiday classic.  HnP are starting to get a following – check out their Def Poetry Spam! (www.hardnphirm.com) 7. Maybe you write funny!  Take a cue from Brocke Clark’s “An Arsonist’s Guide to Writer’s Homes in New England” for starters.  (www.arsonistsguide.com) 8.  My wife is a vegan – that’s 1 step more serious about it than a vegetarian.  We’ve heard some great stuff when asking for Vegetarian fare at restaurants – “Um…we have turkey burgers…” or “I would bet the chef could make a tuna sandwich” etc.  But my favorite has to be the waiter in Dallas, Tx who explained, “You bet we have vegetarian stuff.  All of our beef is vegetarian fed!”  Funny…or sad? 9. Perhaps you like sketch comedy – my personal favorite is the SNL classic with Dan Akroyd, John Belushi, and Garrett Morris.  A sick child (Morris) is laying in a hospital bed when Babe Ruth (Belushi) comes in explaining he’s going to hit one out of the park later that day just for the little boy.  Later, you see the doctors and nurses, along with the boy listening to the radio broadcast of the big game.  The announcer (Akroyd) exclaims, “Here comes the Babe!  He’s pointing to right field!  He’s proclaiming to the world that he’s going to hit a homerun for the little dying boy in the hospital!”  At that moment, Garrett Morris looks at the doctor and sayd,”What?  I’m dying???”  HILARIOUS! 10. Or maybe yours is a more subtle humor.  You like the sublime.  You enjoy a thinking man’s funny.  Then just keep in mind what one of my speech students – a sight impaired student – said at the end of his speech.  “Green is just a flavor to a blind man…” Do you want to be funny?  There are thousands of ways to make people laugh.  From falling on a banana peel to writing a clever song.  From telling a joke to jingling your car keys…ok, maybe that’s only funny to my 6 month old.  But, you too can find your niche.  Now go on…say something funny…(Want to hire a professional speaker who is funny?  http://jeffpresents.com)